Being positive is a skill. It‘s a decision that we have to make over and over again on a daily base.
Choosing to be positive means letting go of any judgment that we might carry inside of us. Still, there is a tricky part about this theory. You can’t commit to letting go of 70% of your judgment, or maybe 80% or 60%. You can’t practice letting go of judging your best friend who annoys you once in a while and still continue to judge your neighbor or yourself. You have to be either all in or it won’t work. Once we are truly able to let go of this habit, space will open up. Suddenly there is room for some ease. Being at ease will bring joy and joy allows us to live our lives with a positive attitude.
Let me give you an example: During our hike today we met two ladies on the trail. I could hear them chatting before I was able to see them and part of their pretty emotional conversation was the statement “Stupid (!!) daughter!” spoken in a pretty loud and intense way. They stepped aside as we passed them. I smiled and said: “Hi.” and “Thank you” and noticed my immediate expectation to get a “Hi.” and “You’re welcome” or something similar as an answer. Wrong. The lady who was in front just gave me an irritated look and the one in the back mumbled something along the line of: “That’s the first dog I see on the trail today.”, giving our Marley a look that was neither friendly nor nice. As I passed them with hubby behind and Marley following, I could only hear how they said something about Marley and started to laugh. Everyone who owns a dog knows that they are like your kids. You don’t want anyone to make fun of them. I could feel how the judgmental voice in my head had already started to create a story.
My husband had missed most of the interaction and so he asked me what the ladies just said. Internally I had already prepared to tell him how they were talking mean about someone else. How they ignored my greeting, made comments about Marley and started to laugh about him. I felt my chest area starting to tighten up and anger started to rise.
Instead, I turned around and said: “Oh nothing, they just said that it’s the first dog they saw on the trail today.” My voice was very soft as I spoke the words and immediately I could feel how my body and especially the area around my heart started to relax. I turned around and continued my hike without any sense of anger or rage. Instead, I was completely present, the situation felt far away and it was easy to focus on my steps and the sunlight floating through the trees. I guess it was a combination of the gentleness of my voice and the variation of the story that I spoke out loud. It made me feel better right away.
The way my whole perception shifted just by being mindful of the way I speak created a lasting impression. I let a little bit of time pass by and then decided to tell my husband about my little experiment. The moment I started to talk about how the interaction with the two ladies made me feel in first place, my chest and throat started to tighten again. I could feel the judgment rising, the need to blame and label. It didn’t make me feel good to speak these words out loud, it made me feel miserable.
You’ve probably heard the saying: “Thinking negative about someone is like taking poison and expecting the other one to die.” It couldn’t be truer.
We do it all the time. We judge and label and create stories. Most of it is based on our own stories, experiences we made, assumptions we have, expectations we hold on to.
Becoming mindful of our hidden habits is nothing that happens over night. It’s a way of living our life consciously and we have to practice it over and over again. The more you start to experiment with this idea, the more you’ll notice how often you chose negativity over a positive attitude and let me tell you, that’s absolutely OK. After all, we are humans. I f we would have been born with a mindset of just seeing the light in everything and everyone we probably wouldn’t need this human experience here on earth anymore. Something that Yoga Girl, Rachel Brathen, once said still makes me smile: “Do no harm but take no shit.”. I agree 100%. Choosing a positive attitude doesn’t mean to accept everything that life throws at you with a smile, but if we harm ourselves or others by clinging on to the stories our mind creates we will probably have a hard time finding the sense of ease and contentment we are looking for.
Something that I tell my students a lot (and it’s also a good reminder for me) is, that it’s not about staying on the right path all the time. It’s about how long it takes us to get back on track once we got lost.
Even committing to the small experiment of only saying positive things for the length of a day can be a big eye opener. Give it a try, you might be surprised by how often you fall back into old habits, how much consciousness it takes to stay committed and how big the reward is once a positive attitude allows you to experience more ease and joy in your own life.
