Be nobody

A few days ago I read an interesting article. It told the story of a man who was raised as a Christian, studied Hinduism as a young adult and eventually fell in love with the philosophy of Buddhism. One of his conclusions after all these years of studying: “Don’t try to be special.” He even wrote a book with the title “Be nobody”. I haven’t read the book yet but in the article was a short description that deeply resonated with me.

  

Every one of us tries to be someone special. Something that differs us from other people.

How can we ever be happy if we always try to be better? Better in our job, better in shape, better than the people around us. Faster, smarter, extraordinary and outstanding.

This attitude doesn’t only keep us chasing an imaginary self; it also makes us feel as if we are never good enough. There is always something that could be done better in order to "be special". There is no peace, no happiness in this way of thinking and living. If we would allow ourselves to let go of the need to be extraordinary, we would be able to get rid of the burden we have placed on ourselves. This need to “be better” evolves out of fear which is caused by the ego. (what a surprise ;-) )

Letting go of the need to compare, to achieve, to chase imaginary thoughts such as “once I reach this goal, life will be better” is something that takes courage. It challenges us to face old thought patterns, habits and beliefs that we are not even consciously aware of. No one says that letting go of something that we confuse as part of our personality can’t be scary once in a while, but I trust that it is a rewarding journey.

I am not saying that there is something wrong with setting goals and working towards something that inspires you. The reason why you are doing all these things is what matters. Are you following this path because it inspires you and feels like an inner calling that truly resonates with you? Or are you trying to achieve something in order to feel better, smarter, more successful, etc. than somebody else? Are your actions caused by love for what you are doing or by a fear that gets nurtured through the habit of comparing yourself with others?

Even if it’s just for a day, let’s allow us to ~be nobody. To let go of any need to be special. Even thinking about this idea immediately opens up a sense of freedom for me. What about you?

This whole topic brings me further to something that is emphasized a lot by “A course in miracles”: the conscious decision to choose Love over fear. Paying attention to the decisions I make throughout my days, the way I live my life, I couldn’t help myself but notice: a lot of it is fear based. This might sound pretty negative but if you actually allow yourself to pay attention to all the subtle nuances of fear: guilt, jealousy, comparison, low self-esteem, anger, judgment, obsession, rigidity, attachment, etc., you might eventually notice that you don’t live your life as freely and peacefully as you might think you do.

Fear is caused by the ego and the ego’s voice can be pretty loud as we all know. I will give you an example: I would describe myself as a pretty introverted person. This might surprise most of the people I know. I make connections easily. Taking part in conversations and building lasting relationships feels pretty natural and easy. What most people don’t know: if you would offer me the choice between an evening on the couch with a good book and partying all night long, I would choose the couch. If you would offer me a weekend full of adventure with a group of lovely people or two days of loneliness in the mountains, I would probably choose the quiet time. For every hour I spend socializing, I need an hour of alone time to balance my energy. That doesn’t mean that I don’t like spending time socializing, it simply means that I need plenty of time by myself to balance and recharge. This is the part when the fear kicks in. I am worried about what people might think of me if I don’t take part in all the activities. I am afraid of losing friends if I don’t commit to regular meeting times, I fear to end up alone one day because I finally allowed myself to say NO rather than YES.

Gabby Bernstein offers a beautiful Mantra that I started to repeat as often as I can: “I choose Love instead of this.” Regarding on what you are currently working, there are countless ways in which you can apply this Mantra. In the example I gave you above, it helps me to choose Love over fear regarding personal relationships. I trust that friends won’t take my NO as a personal rejection but rather will learn to accept it as a part of who I am. It helps me to remember that all the people in my life won’t see me as a better person because I show up for every single activity, ending up burned out because I don't listen to what I need. This Mantra reminds me to not only choose Love in my relationships with all other beings around me but also with myself.

Choosing Love in this example means to me, that I allow myself to let go of social conventions and expectations, regardless if I place them on myself or others. I trust that people who truly love me for who I am will understand.

Sometimes it’s essential for me to “become nobody”. To withdraw from all the roles we take on in our daily life. To take a step back and be simply …me. Without any comparison, any judgment, any need to satisfy my own or other’s expectations.

These are short moments of peace. Moments of joy and happiness. They require a lot of awareness. Most of the time we will probably only get a glimpse of how life could feel if we would allow ourselves to follow this path but I trust that one day we will be able to choose Love over fear.

What about you? What do you fear? What are the parts of your life where you feel like you are “not enough”? When does fear, in all it’s different facets, causes you to act in a way that blocks the connection to your true self?

And most important: how would you feel if you “chose to see Love instead of this” and just for a moment, allow yourself to ~be nobody? ♡

Why there is no such thing as being „too sensitive“

I remember being called “too sensitive” since I was a child. I could sense things people didn´t want to talk about. I sometimes could feel how they feel even before they had taken their time to realize and reflect on what was going on for them. I think that´s the key point. Sometimes people don’t want to deal with how they feel. They don’t want to face everything that’s going on in their life. But as a child you are not aware of that, you just say what you sense and notice which of course can bring up discomfort for the affected person. I can’t blame anyone. You don’t always want to be confronted with your emotional status, especially if the person who’s bringing it up is a child.

I think that life could definitely be easier for me and everyone who was ever told that he or she is “too sensitive”. It’s not always fun to be able to sense how the people around you feel. I am still learning to differ between my own feelings and sensations and the ones I take on from other people around me. Asking myself over and over again “Is this mine?” had brought me a long way. I was actually surprised when I started to ask myself that question because all the sudden I noticed how much I was taking on that wasn’t actually my stuff. I have learned to notice when it’s appropriate to mention what I sense and when it’s not. But still, creating boundaries and not taking other people's things on remains a struggle.

There was a time when I thought something was wrong with me, that being sensitive was like a disease you have to work on and heal. To me, it felt like some sort of weakness, something that makes you vulnerable and fragile. Looking back I really do agree, sensitivity makes you vulnerable. It constantly challenges you to be self-aware and to reflect. But it is also a gift. It is a talent that can lead to deep connections, to insights about yourself and your surroundings and it definitely leads to more awareness, because without awareness you can’t survive as a “too sensitive” person in today’s world.

A week ago I noticed how my dog’s behavior changed. It was more subtle, not really noticeable. I didn’t pay a lot of attention because I had worked for a long time on training myself on not getting too caught up in everything I sense. I taught myself to ignore certain feelings because who knows… they might be wrong, right? Three days later he would refuse to eat and don't even wag his tail or lift his head when I entered our apartment. Driving to the vet the same day, they were on high alert and started to run tests on cancer and other scary things. The doctors are still not quite sure about the test results yet but there is a good chance that there is nothing too serious going on.

I don’t say that paying attention to the little changes in his behavior would have made anything better and freaking out over probably nothing doesn’t serve anyone either. But I truly believe that if we pay attention to what we sense, there are so many ways in which we can serve and support others in a more empathic way.

Animals are not the only ones who can’t put into words how they feel. We are constantly interacting with people around us but my question is – do we REALLY connect? We are often so busy with taking care of our own stuff and sometimes so afraid of being too vulnerable that we don’t allow space for real connection. How often do we really listen to what other people have to say and, more often, don’t say? How many times do we really allow ourselves to see and even more scary – to feel the person in front of us? I can tell you it’s fucking scary and sometimes pretty overwhelming.

What I learned until this point in my life is that taking on other people’s things doesn’t do any good. It doesn’t help the others and it clearly is no good idea for your own well being. So there is definitely something to the idea of working on self-awareness and your own boundaries. But if you are blessed with a natural degree of self-protection, allow yourself to feel what’s going on around you. Opening up might make you more vulnerable and I can’t promise that there won’t be moments where you would rather close your heart  before you keep feeling more of what is not even yours. But I also truly believe that if we all would allow ourselves to be a little bit more vulnerable, to feel a little bit deeper and to look a little bit closer, the world around us might become a little bit better.

A little breathwork exercise:

It doesn’t matter if you consider yourself being highly sensitive or not, I think it’s always helpful to have some tools that allow you to deal with your emotions in a mindful and conscious way, rather than being constantly caught in the unpredictable interplay of your feelings.

Just recently I found a Pranayama (breath work) exercise that has helped me a lot since I started to use it throughout my daily life. It allows you to create a conscious shift of your perception and internal experience in moments when you find yourself struggling with internal sensations and monkey mind-stuff ;)

You can start in any position, make sure you get comfortable. Whether if you are standing, sitting, or laying down, allow yourself to relax every part of your body. Start by relaxing your forehead, your eyes, your cheeks, your jar and so on.
If you want, you can use a Mudra (hand gesture) by interlacing your fingers, right thumb on top of the left and then place your hands like this on your upper belly, right where the lower ribs end. Of course, any other hand gesture works well too.
Start by sensing the flow of your breath in and out your nose. Feel the texture of the air, the pace of your breath, the quality, the temperature.
Eventually, you will notice that there is one dominant nostril. One side where the air flows more freely. You might be able to sense it right away, sometimes it can take a little while to figure out the more dominant side.
In a regular rhythm , the dominant nostril changes from one side to the other every 90 – 120 full breath cycles.
You can use this fact to not only create a shift in your breath flow but to also transform your internal experience by connecting the left and right hemisphere of the brain. It will give you the opportunity to consciously decide on shifting our awareness and work on the way you view, feel about and react to things.
Start by guiding your focus to the less dominant nostril and begin to slowly guide your breath to this side. That’s it. Nothing fancy, super simple.
The change from one nostril to the other might happen pretty fast, sometimes it takes a while and sometimes you might have to end your breath work before the change had occurred.
It doesn’t really matter. The only thing that matters is your conscious decision to shift your attitude, your internal experience,… by shifting your breath flow.

I don’t know if this will become your tool of choice when it comes to dealing with difficult emotions but I can say from my own experience that even if I can’t always change my perception of things completely, at least I feel more grounded and able to deal with whatever is going on at the moment from a more objective perspective.

Happy Sunday, Namaste