Surrender

 Eventually, everyone of us experiences times where life just doesn´t feel as smooth as it used to be. It doesn´t have to be anything serious, you might just feel a little bit off. Maybe you are more sensitive to what´s going on in your life our you get easily overwhelmed. Maybe you feel moody for no obvious reason or you simply don´t feel capable of dealing with the things live throws at you.

After coming back from a trip to Austria where I visited family and friends for three weeks, I felt that way. As much as I love living in Boulder, coming back was challenging. I missed my loved ones so much, the feeling of not wanting to let go of the last couple of weeks became my primary state of being. I would dwell in memories most of the time, not able to connect with what was going on in the present moment. I guess some people would call it homesick. Additionally, to missing my folks back in Austria, one of my closest friends, who feels like a sister to me, has just recently told me that she will leave Boulder for good and move back to the East coast.

All the sudden I started to feel really alone. I was on Skype a lot and met lots of friends here in Boulder, but nothing could fill the emptiness that has started to grow within. It was strange because in my mind I knew that the loneliness I was feeling inside was not necessarily standing in relation to reality but my heart had never been rational. In fact, there was no obvious reason to feel that way because I was not alone. There are so many wonderful and loving people around me and still, I couldn't “fight” this sense of loneliness.

But there was one thing I knew for sure – I didn't want to be that person. I always try to be someone I would like to surround myself with. So I had to find a way out and eventually I did what I usually do when I feel a little lost – I start to get physically active. I went on more and longer runs, extended the amount of time practicing Yoga, chose higher mountains for my hikes and so on. On one hand, this habit is beneficial because I spend more time in nature, it´s easier for me to arrive in the present moment and I get out of my head. On the other hand, it became a pattern that allowed me to sugarcoat everything that is underneath the surface with lots of activities that make me simply too busy to deal with the hidden fears and thought patterns that I consciously or unconsciously don´t want to face.

Needless to say that this strategy doesn't outlast very long.

This time, I started to get injured.  It began with minor things. I would hit my shin on the edge of the bed pretty badly, then the other shin on a rock during a hike. I stepped on my electric toothbrush and punctuated my heel (I am not kidding, I took the top part off and put the lower half on the ground while cleaning the bathroom and tataaaaa: stepped right on the sharp metal part), which was not so minor anymore. And then finally I slipped during a downhill trail run on a pretty rocky and steep part. I had tons of luck, nothing broke but I look like I had a fight with a raccoon. Bruises and scratches everywhere.

There was no way around, I had to slow down and eventually sit with whatever it was I had to work through.

I am still in the process. I found a daily ritual that I try to perform as regular as I can. I knew that this time, it would take a little bit more than just to sit in silence for about ten minutes to get myself out of whatever reality my mind had created.

And I knew I had to start right away in the morning because that´s really the time to set the mood for the rest of the day. One of the most important parts was to remind myself that I am in charge of my thoughts and emotions and that if I would only start to work with them in a very loving and forgiving way, I eventually would be able to shape them toward a direction that serves me and the people around me.

I took the first step by buying a book. It´s a 40-day guidebook and I try to really stick with the practices it has to offer. I have a short written note to myself that I read before I get out of bed in the morning and then I start my day with a cup of warm lemon water (I am trying to include this in my daily routine for a while but it feels like now is the right moment to really make it a healthy habit).

I read the daily chapter of the book while having breakfast. Usually, it includes a short morning meditation (it´s an affirmation which you say out loud and then sit with it for a minute or so), an affirmation for the day (I type it into my phone with an hourly reminder) and a journaling and meditation exercise for the evening.

I keep a gratitude jar and at some point, during the day I take a little Post-it and fill it with all the things I am grateful for on this particular day. It doesn’t have to be something fancy, it can be literally anything. From the taste of my favorite tea in the morning to the little hummingbird, I saw on the balcony… anything.

I also try to be really conscious of how I talk to and treat myself. I couldn't help but notice that the way I am talking to myself is sometimes so mean, I would never speak to anyone else that way. So whenever I catch myself coming up with these internal dialogues, I try to shift my perspective and address them with love and maybe even more important at this point: forgiveness.

Old patterns are hard to overcome. It took them a while to built and melt into our lives. I am not saying that every day now is pure light and joy but I can definitely sense a shift in my perspective and I am more conscious of my thoughts and actions.

I guess everyone experiences difficult periods at some point, that are not necessarily related to big life changing events. We carry a lot of old stories with us that influence our lives, most of the time unconsciously. There is actually nothing wrong with them. In fact, they can become our biggest teachers. We just need to pause, listen and remind ourselves that in the end, we are in charge of what we think and how we make ourselves feel.

And that it´s OK to reach out once in a while and ask for help - a big hug from someone you love and a good cry can cause miracles.

Sometimes it´s simply a part of the journey to surrender, to hold space for whatever might arise in your experience in any given moment.  To breathe and to feel, with all your heart.

“What day is it?” asked Pooh.

“It´s today.” squeaked Piglet.

“My favorite day.” said Pooh.