Shape your own experience

Being positive is a skill. It‘s a decision that we have to make over and over again on a daily base.

When we commit to a practice of choosing to see the light in everything and everyone, slowly and over time, our perception of what is real will shift. It will change the way we see the world and it won’t only affect the way we think, feel and act, it will also create a ripple effect into the world around us.

Choosing to be positive means letting go of any judgment that we might carry inside of us. Still, there is a tricky part about this theory. You can’t commit to letting go of 70% of your judgment, or maybe 80% or 60%. You can’t practice letting go of judging your best friend who annoys you once in a while and still continue to judge your neighbor or yourself. You have to be either all in or it won’t work. Once we are truly able to let go of this habit, space will open up. Suddenly there is room for some ease. Being at ease will bring joy and joy allows us to live our lives with a positive attitude.

Let me give you an example: During our hike today we met two ladies on the trail. I could hear them chatting before I was able to see them and part of their pretty emotional conversation was the statement “Stupid (!!) daughter!” spoken in a pretty loud and intense way. They stepped aside as we passed them. I smiled and said: “Hi.” and “Thank you” and noticed my immediate expectation to get a “Hi.” and “You’re welcome” or something similar as an answer. Wrong. The lady who was in front just gave me an irritated look and the one in the back mumbled something along the line of: “That’s the first dog I see on the trail today.”, giving our Marley a look that was neither friendly nor nice. As I passed them with hubby behind and Marley following, I could only hear how they said something about Marley and started to laugh. Everyone who owns a dog knows that they are like your kids. You don’t want anyone to make fun of them. I could feel how the judgmental voice in my head had already started to create a story. 

My husband had missed most of the interaction and so he asked me what the ladies just said. Internally I had already prepared to tell him how they were talking mean about someone else. How they ignored my greeting, made comments about Marley and started to laugh about him. I felt my chest area starting to tighten up and anger started to rise. 

Instead, I turned around and said: “Oh nothing, they just said that it’s the first dog they saw on the trail today.” My voice was very soft as I spoke the words and immediately I could feel how my body and especially the area around my heart started to relax. I turned around and continued my hike without any sense of anger or rage. Instead, I was completely present, the situation felt far away and it was easy to focus on my steps and the sunlight floating through the trees. I guess it was a combination of the gentleness of my voice and the variation of the story that I spoke out loud. It made me feel better right away.

The way my whole perception shifted just by being mindful of the way I speak created a lasting impression. I let a little bit of time pass by and then decided to tell my husband about my little experiment. The moment I started to talk about how the interaction with the two ladies made me feel in first place, my chest and throat started to tighten again. I could feel the judgment rising, the need to blame and label. It didn’t make me feel good to speak these words out loud, it made me feel miserable.

You’ve probably heard the saying: “Thinking negative about someone is like taking poison and expecting the other one to die.” It couldn’t be truer.

We do it all the time. We judge and label and create stories. Most of it is based on our own stories, experiences we made, assumptions we have, expectations we hold on to. 

Becoming mindful of our hidden habits is nothing that happens over night. It’s a way of living our life consciously and we have to practice it over and over again. The more you start to experiment with this idea, the more you’ll notice how often you chose negativity over a positive attitude and let me tell you, that’s absolutely OK. After all, we are humans. I f we would have been born with a mindset of just seeing the light in everything and everyone we probably wouldn’t need this human experience here on earth anymore. Something that Yoga Girl, Rachel Brathen, once said still makes me smile: “Do no harm but take no shit.”. I agree 100%. Choosing a positive attitude doesn’t mean to accept everything that life throws at you with a smile, but if we harm ourselves or others by clinging on to the stories our mind creates we will probably have a hard time finding the sense of ease and contentment we are looking for. 

Something that I tell my students a lot (and it’s also a good reminder for me) is, that it’s not about staying on the right path all the time. It’s about how long it takes us to get back on track once we got lost.

Even committing to the small experiment of only saying positive things for the length of a day can be a big eye opener. Give it a try, you might be surprised by how often you fall back into old habits, how much consciousness it takes to stay committed and how big the reward is once a positive attitude allows you to experience more ease and joy in your own life.  

Pathways

Imagine a wide open meadow in front of you, lots of space and flowers everywhere. No fences, no signs. What would you do? Would you dance around? Would you lay down and watch the clouds passing by? Would you start to explore? …

Now imagine the same meadow with lots of pathways crossing? Do you still feel like laying down, like dancing and exploring?

 The wide open meadow symbolizes the mind of a child. Everything is new, there is so much space and countless possibilities. It seems like everything that we imagine is possible.

Throughout the years and as we age, we walk across this grassland over and over again. There will be certain directions that we take more often and all the sudden little paths start to appear. They are almost invisible in the beginning, just a few cracked blades of grass but somehow these ways become more and more attractive. As we stroll along them, they start to grow a little wider and deeper. Eventually, we find our meadow covered with pathways. Some are small and we have to put one foot right in front of the other in order to stay on them. Other tracks feel so familiar, we almost take them every day and as they get wider and steeper, they start to transform into ditches.

All the sudden we might have to face the fact that it’s not so easy anymore to remain on the narrow paths or even stay on the few spots that are still grassland. It doesn’t take much to find ourselves back at the bottom of the ditch. Sometimes the small trails lead there. Some days, the wind blows and we stumble back in. Once in a while, there is a little butterfly that catches our attention and if we don’t mind our steps it only takes a heartbeat to find ourselves back again on the ground of the trench.

To be honest, most of us feel so drawn to our already known paths that the fact that there is a wide open space around doesn't even occur to us.

The more often we walk the deep canyons, the higher the walls start to grow, the more awareness it takes to get back up and out.

The paths we start to create can have many names, especially the ones with the steep walls. Fear, anger, jealousy, anxiety, judgment, self-doubt, guilt,… to name only a few. They get shaped by our experiences, habits, believe patterns, people in our life, politics, life circumstances, the way we grew up, the place we live, our work and so on.

Some people get very attached to their road and path network. It’s what they know and identify with. They often don’t even notice that they are back on old trails, they don’t question it and they would rather stay in there and watch the flood coming than trying to find their way out. 

Here’s the clue: You always have the choice. You can either remain right where you are OR you can work your way out, consciously being the creator of new road systems.

If you are like me, painfully aware of stored believes, old habits and thought patterns and struggling with perceptions that neither serves you or your surroundings than let me tell you something:

There is a way out. The open space is still there. The possibilities are still endless. All it takes is commitment and trust. Commitment to consciously create and walk new pathways over and over again until they feel so attractive and familiar as the old ones did. Trust, that there is something that guides you on your journey. If you only rely on your own strength, you will eventually end up depleted and devastated. Trust me, I’ve been there. But if you, allow yourself to surrender to the feeling that there is someone or something that guides your way, that supports every action you take wholeheartedly with courage, you will be guided. You can call this guidance any name you want. It doesn’t even have to have a name, a face, a color or a form. It can be a feeling, an inner sense of knowing.

Take time to sit down in stillness, connect with the times in your life when you felt full of joy, the moments that made you want to scream out loud “YES!!” at the top of your lungs. These are the times of deep connection. Take these moments in. How does it make you feel? Where can you sense it in our body? Does it change anything in your posture, your perception, the present moment?

Then ask yourself: How often do I feel this way in my daily life? Do the pathways I am walking make me feel this way? Do I feel joy, happiness, strength, peace, inspiration, trust, aliveness?

If your answer is NO, why do you remain on these roads?

I agree that life is not always full of unicorns and rainbows and yet, maybe it is. Maybe we can’t see the bigger picture yet. But we will never know if we don’t try.

I decided to try. The moment when I noticed that the old trails that I am walking on don’t serve me or anyone around me really well wasn’t fun. But it was necessary. What can I tell you at this point? That it’s a hell of a mission to consciously create new ways, but it’s worth every pit stain and every shed tear on the journey.

The first step is to get aware of the habits, thought and believe patterns, ways of reacting,… you are ready to let go of. Then commit, start and trust.

You can start it as your own, unique way of “retreat”, calling it whatever you want it to be: “30 days of healthy food”, “50 days of self-care”, “70 days of gratitude”, “12 days and a half of I try to be nice to myself even if it ends in an evening with a bag of chips and a bottle of wine on the couch”, “My juice cleanse, except that I don’t like juice and that’s why I replace it with smoothies”,… make it yours.

If you like to journal, write your intention down. If you like to paint, draw a picture. If you like to talk, record yourself. If you like to act, make a video of yourself. Again: endless possibilities.

Get creative, what is it that inspires you, that brings you joy? And then go and do it. Do it every single day and write, draw, dance, talk,… about your experience.

Of course, it’s not easy to stay on track and, as I wrote in the beginning, it only takes a gust of wind (comment from someone,…) or butterflies (certain life circumstances,…) to find yourself back at the bottom of the canyon. Back on old, well-known paths (anxiety, guilt, greed, doubt,…).

What I do in these moments is, I use something really simple and profound simultaneously. I use an affirmation that I found in one of Gabby Bernstein’s books.

The moment I hit rock bottom, I start to silently (or loud) repeat for myself: “I can see Love instead of this.”  (of course, you can replace “Love” with any word that resonates with you and with any quality that you need at the given moment).

Sometimes I don’t even notice that I am back on old, familiar ways. Sometimes I want to stay there, just because I feel incredibly sorry for myself. But at the end, and that’s something I can tell you now for sure, I don’t want to remain there.

This is your life. You can continue sitting on the passenger seat, being the powerless actor in a movie who’s role gets directed by limiting beliefs and thoughts OR you can take responsibility for your life by making conscious choices and become the creator of your own experience.  

Do less, be more.

Eventually, life takes you where you’re supposed to be. That’s something that I’ve experienced over and over again throughout the years and it’s the reason why it wasn’t really surprising that I ended up at a one day-isch Shambhala meditation retreat two weeks ago. Originally it was a birthday present for my husband but because he “refused” ;) to go alone, I joined him.

As much as I want to share the meditation practice that we learned (and I really want to share it since it has changed the way I practice and view meditation in such a profound way), I promised not to. I got super excited about it and decided after the first few moments of sitting with this practice that I wanted to share it and spread it amongst my students so they can benefit from it too. Fair enough, at the end of the retreat, they asked us not to talk to anyone about this particular meditation practice because they want it to be taught by teachers from their lineage. I absolutely respect this request and it makes a lot of sense to me that these teachings are passed on by someone who has studied them for decades.

Still, besides the meditation practice, there was so much wisdom shared within this few hours and I want to tell you a little bit about it, using my own words and blending it with my own experience.

The first thing that touched me deeply was the following statement: “Anxiety is caused by a disconnection with ourselves.”

I might be the only one, but I have never heard this explanation before. Regarding to the teacher, the underlying cause is our habit of rushing around in our life all day long. And while we are busy, running from place to place, we start to lose pieces of ourselves here and there. We lost some parts of us at work, others get left behind in traffic, and another one stays with our best friend, who we met briefly in between handling all our other duties, and so on. At the end of the day, we go to bed and might experience a sense of emptiness. There is no way we can feel whole anymore because of all the bits and pieces of ourselves that we lost throughout the day.

And what is our strategy for regaining a feeling of wholeness again? How do we handle this sense of disconnection and emptiness? We start to rush even more. We hurry from one place to the other, from one activity to the other in order to find the lost pieces. If you can relate to this behavior, I have a question for you: “Has this ever worked out for you?”

Modern culture with its technology and materialism tells us constantly that we don’t have enough, that we are not enough. How do we get out of this circle? This is where the practice of meditation comes in. I am not talking about any particular kind of meditation. Get comfortable in any clothes you like, sit or lay down in any position that feels good for you and just be with yourself. Sometimes this can feel scary in the beginning, no doubt. But as we learn to slow down and be with ourselves, we eventually will find this sense of wholeness again, this feeling of coming home to our very own being.

The way we treat and feel about ourselves when no one is watching influences our whole life. The essence of meditation is to relax deeply with ourselves. We don’t have to be afraid of ourselves. This approach will offer us a more mindful perspective in our daily life and chances are good that we will start to notice the moments in which we tend to rush, leaving parts of us behind on our way through the day.

So based on that, my mantra for the upcoming week and probably months is the following:

DO LESS in order to BE MORE.

Another topic, they talked about during the retreat, was the way we deal with discomfort, disagreements and all the other things that make you grind your teeth. What happens is that in those situations, we meet our personal edge. It feels like we are running against an internal wall. Our usual behavior might be to give up or to force our way through the obstacle but instead we should aim to soften.

Sounds a little crazy, doesn’t it? Our intuitive response might be to close or to built up a wall and hide behind. Maybe we spend all our energy trying to forcefully break through the obstacles. What if we give it a try and, rather than closing our heart in this vulnerable moment, allow ourselves to soften and to feel. This decision offers the chance to connect with your heart rather than fear. Emotions and thoughts that usually get stuck somewhere in our system throughout these moments of resistance and closing get the chance to flow freely. As we allow the moment to be the way it is, we allow ourselves to be the way we are. We come back home to ourselves.

On last part that I wanted to share with you refers to the practice itself. This can be your Yoga (asana) practice, your meditation or spiritual practice or really any practice that offers growth and a deep connection for you.

There are so many smart books out there, so many wise teachers and sometimes we get the feeling that if we just follow their path, repeat their words and their teachings over and over again, it will eventually lead us to where we are supposed to be. This might be partly right since we have to commit to a regular practice and it’s really helpful to follow the guidelines and teachings of those who have come before us. They have learned it from their teachers as well. But eventually, we have to make our own experiences. In order to get in contact with our own wisdom and find our own path, there has to be a place for experimenting and curiosity. The only way we grow is by experiencing our own thoughts and feelings within the practice. We need to touch, to visualize, to be playful. Just by showing up on our mat, our meditation cushion, … we connect with the wisdom of those who have come before us. We get in touch with it in our own way so that eventually, we start to embody our practice. It becomes a part of us and we start to lead by example because we have practiced and experienced what we share.

It doesn’t matter if you teach a Yoga class, your kids or you’re giving advice to a friend or a family member. By owning your experience, by staying true to yourself, you become the embodiment of what you share.

I know this blog post includes a lot of very sensitive and deep topics that probably can fill books. I decided to share it with you because sometimes it doesn’t have to be a book. Sometimes it’s fairly easy, or to say it with the words of Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche:

“Simple can understand complicated, but complicated often has a hard time to understand simple.” 

Be nobody

A few days ago I read an interesting article. It told the story of a man who was raised as a Christian, studied Hinduism as a young adult and eventually fell in love with the philosophy of Buddhism. One of his conclusions after all these years of studying: “Don’t try to be special.” He even wrote a book with the title “Be nobody”. I haven’t read the book yet but in the article was a short description that deeply resonated with me.

  

Every one of us tries to be someone special. Something that differs us from other people.

How can we ever be happy if we always try to be better? Better in our job, better in shape, better than the people around us. Faster, smarter, extraordinary and outstanding.

This attitude doesn’t only keep us chasing an imaginary self; it also makes us feel as if we are never good enough. There is always something that could be done better in order to "be special". There is no peace, no happiness in this way of thinking and living. If we would allow ourselves to let go of the need to be extraordinary, we would be able to get rid of the burden we have placed on ourselves. This need to “be better” evolves out of fear which is caused by the ego. (what a surprise ;-) )

Letting go of the need to compare, to achieve, to chase imaginary thoughts such as “once I reach this goal, life will be better” is something that takes courage. It challenges us to face old thought patterns, habits and beliefs that we are not even consciously aware of. No one says that letting go of something that we confuse as part of our personality can’t be scary once in a while, but I trust that it is a rewarding journey.

I am not saying that there is something wrong with setting goals and working towards something that inspires you. The reason why you are doing all these things is what matters. Are you following this path because it inspires you and feels like an inner calling that truly resonates with you? Or are you trying to achieve something in order to feel better, smarter, more successful, etc. than somebody else? Are your actions caused by love for what you are doing or by a fear that gets nurtured through the habit of comparing yourself with others?

Even if it’s just for a day, let’s allow us to ~be nobody. To let go of any need to be special. Even thinking about this idea immediately opens up a sense of freedom for me. What about you?

This whole topic brings me further to something that is emphasized a lot by “A course in miracles”: the conscious decision to choose Love over fear. Paying attention to the decisions I make throughout my days, the way I live my life, I couldn’t help myself but notice: a lot of it is fear based. This might sound pretty negative but if you actually allow yourself to pay attention to all the subtle nuances of fear: guilt, jealousy, comparison, low self-esteem, anger, judgment, obsession, rigidity, attachment, etc., you might eventually notice that you don’t live your life as freely and peacefully as you might think you do.

Fear is caused by the ego and the ego’s voice can be pretty loud as we all know. I will give you an example: I would describe myself as a pretty introverted person. This might surprise most of the people I know. I make connections easily. Taking part in conversations and building lasting relationships feels pretty natural and easy. What most people don’t know: if you would offer me the choice between an evening on the couch with a good book and partying all night long, I would choose the couch. If you would offer me a weekend full of adventure with a group of lovely people or two days of loneliness in the mountains, I would probably choose the quiet time. For every hour I spend socializing, I need an hour of alone time to balance my energy. That doesn’t mean that I don’t like spending time socializing, it simply means that I need plenty of time by myself to balance and recharge. This is the part when the fear kicks in. I am worried about what people might think of me if I don’t take part in all the activities. I am afraid of losing friends if I don’t commit to regular meeting times, I fear to end up alone one day because I finally allowed myself to say NO rather than YES.

Gabby Bernstein offers a beautiful Mantra that I started to repeat as often as I can: “I choose Love instead of this.” Regarding on what you are currently working, there are countless ways in which you can apply this Mantra. In the example I gave you above, it helps me to choose Love over fear regarding personal relationships. I trust that friends won’t take my NO as a personal rejection but rather will learn to accept it as a part of who I am. It helps me to remember that all the people in my life won’t see me as a better person because I show up for every single activity, ending up burned out because I don't listen to what I need. This Mantra reminds me to not only choose Love in my relationships with all other beings around me but also with myself.

Choosing Love in this example means to me, that I allow myself to let go of social conventions and expectations, regardless if I place them on myself or others. I trust that people who truly love me for who I am will understand.

Sometimes it’s essential for me to “become nobody”. To withdraw from all the roles we take on in our daily life. To take a step back and be simply …me. Without any comparison, any judgment, any need to satisfy my own or other’s expectations.

These are short moments of peace. Moments of joy and happiness. They require a lot of awareness. Most of the time we will probably only get a glimpse of how life could feel if we would allow ourselves to follow this path but I trust that one day we will be able to choose Love over fear.

What about you? What do you fear? What are the parts of your life where you feel like you are “not enough”? When does fear, in all it’s different facets, causes you to act in a way that blocks the connection to your true self?

And most important: how would you feel if you “chose to see Love instead of this” and just for a moment, allow yourself to ~be nobody? ♡

Why there is no such thing as being „too sensitive“

I remember being called “too sensitive” since I was a child. I could sense things people didn´t want to talk about. I sometimes could feel how they feel even before they had taken their time to realize and reflect on what was going on for them. I think that´s the key point. Sometimes people don’t want to deal with how they feel. They don’t want to face everything that’s going on in their life. But as a child you are not aware of that, you just say what you sense and notice which of course can bring up discomfort for the affected person. I can’t blame anyone. You don’t always want to be confronted with your emotional status, especially if the person who’s bringing it up is a child.

I think that life could definitely be easier for me and everyone who was ever told that he or she is “too sensitive”. It’s not always fun to be able to sense how the people around you feel. I am still learning to differ between my own feelings and sensations and the ones I take on from other people around me. Asking myself over and over again “Is this mine?” had brought me a long way. I was actually surprised when I started to ask myself that question because all the sudden I noticed how much I was taking on that wasn’t actually my stuff. I have learned to notice when it’s appropriate to mention what I sense and when it’s not. But still, creating boundaries and not taking other people's things on remains a struggle.

There was a time when I thought something was wrong with me, that being sensitive was like a disease you have to work on and heal. To me, it felt like some sort of weakness, something that makes you vulnerable and fragile. Looking back I really do agree, sensitivity makes you vulnerable. It constantly challenges you to be self-aware and to reflect. But it is also a gift. It is a talent that can lead to deep connections, to insights about yourself and your surroundings and it definitely leads to more awareness, because without awareness you can’t survive as a “too sensitive” person in today’s world.

A week ago I noticed how my dog’s behavior changed. It was more subtle, not really noticeable. I didn’t pay a lot of attention because I had worked for a long time on training myself on not getting too caught up in everything I sense. I taught myself to ignore certain feelings because who knows… they might be wrong, right? Three days later he would refuse to eat and don't even wag his tail or lift his head when I entered our apartment. Driving to the vet the same day, they were on high alert and started to run tests on cancer and other scary things. The doctors are still not quite sure about the test results yet but there is a good chance that there is nothing too serious going on.

I don’t say that paying attention to the little changes in his behavior would have made anything better and freaking out over probably nothing doesn’t serve anyone either. But I truly believe that if we pay attention to what we sense, there are so many ways in which we can serve and support others in a more empathic way.

Animals are not the only ones who can’t put into words how they feel. We are constantly interacting with people around us but my question is – do we REALLY connect? We are often so busy with taking care of our own stuff and sometimes so afraid of being too vulnerable that we don’t allow space for real connection. How often do we really listen to what other people have to say and, more often, don’t say? How many times do we really allow ourselves to see and even more scary – to feel the person in front of us? I can tell you it’s fucking scary and sometimes pretty overwhelming.

What I learned until this point in my life is that taking on other people’s things doesn’t do any good. It doesn’t help the others and it clearly is no good idea for your own well being. So there is definitely something to the idea of working on self-awareness and your own boundaries. But if you are blessed with a natural degree of self-protection, allow yourself to feel what’s going on around you. Opening up might make you more vulnerable and I can’t promise that there won’t be moments where you would rather close your heart  before you keep feeling more of what is not even yours. But I also truly believe that if we all would allow ourselves to be a little bit more vulnerable, to feel a little bit deeper and to look a little bit closer, the world around us might become a little bit better.

A little breathwork exercise:

It doesn’t matter if you consider yourself being highly sensitive or not, I think it’s always helpful to have some tools that allow you to deal with your emotions in a mindful and conscious way, rather than being constantly caught in the unpredictable interplay of your feelings.

Just recently I found a Pranayama (breath work) exercise that has helped me a lot since I started to use it throughout my daily life. It allows you to create a conscious shift of your perception and internal experience in moments when you find yourself struggling with internal sensations and monkey mind-stuff ;)

You can start in any position, make sure you get comfortable. Whether if you are standing, sitting, or laying down, allow yourself to relax every part of your body. Start by relaxing your forehead, your eyes, your cheeks, your jar and so on.
If you want, you can use a Mudra (hand gesture) by interlacing your fingers, right thumb on top of the left and then place your hands like this on your upper belly, right where the lower ribs end. Of course, any other hand gesture works well too.
Start by sensing the flow of your breath in and out your nose. Feel the texture of the air, the pace of your breath, the quality, the temperature.
Eventually, you will notice that there is one dominant nostril. One side where the air flows more freely. You might be able to sense it right away, sometimes it can take a little while to figure out the more dominant side.
In a regular rhythm , the dominant nostril changes from one side to the other every 90 – 120 full breath cycles.
You can use this fact to not only create a shift in your breath flow but to also transform your internal experience by connecting the left and right hemisphere of the brain. It will give you the opportunity to consciously decide on shifting our awareness and work on the way you view, feel about and react to things.
Start by guiding your focus to the less dominant nostril and begin to slowly guide your breath to this side. That’s it. Nothing fancy, super simple.
The change from one nostril to the other might happen pretty fast, sometimes it takes a while and sometimes you might have to end your breath work before the change had occurred.
It doesn’t really matter. The only thing that matters is your conscious decision to shift your attitude, your internal experience,… by shifting your breath flow.

I don’t know if this will become your tool of choice when it comes to dealing with difficult emotions but I can say from my own experience that even if I can’t always change my perception of things completely, at least I feel more grounded and able to deal with whatever is going on at the moment from a more objective perspective.

Happy Sunday, Namaste